Happy Birthday ~ Dad

Today is dad's B'day.
Celebrating high up above the sky.
May 爸爸 had a blessed happy birthday & healthy throughout the years.....

I used to send B'day wish to B'day babies at 12 midnight but last night my mind & my eyes just are impatient to go to dream land.
"爸爸，生日快乐" is what I've prepared to send to dad but end up I send it only when I woke up this morning ... hehe .... hopefully it did not wake him up or .... maybe he's not even asleep yet :p

Oopss..... I owe dad a birthday cake.... shall bake him one when he got back from holidays :D

...confused...miserable...

What should I do? Why do I keep hurting myself? Not physically but mentally? Why am I still awake by the previous mistake I’ve done?

What should I do to put everything to the end? Can it really be done and how can it be done?

…..sigh…….

Should I be glad of what had happened? This really sounds crazy but I appreciate whatever happened.

.....but.....

One misery is more than enough for making my life toppled. I realized but why am I walking into another that will definitely make me miserable when I am still in misery?

Why do I always have to make myself so miserable? What has gotten into me? Am I just too naïve or so foolish? If I knew the consequences and I knew where I stand then why am I still falling into similar misery again and again?

Do I really don’t care or mind the existence? Do I or am I just lying? Lying to myself that I don’t care or mind? I’m so confused. Feeling the pain alone that I caused by myself. Seriously, I blame no one but myself because I realized and knew it but yet I still go for it.

Confused…. Miserable….. This is what I would say, a punishment to myself for what I’ve done.

breathless Hamy....

Winter White Hamy

so sad......

I still feed her last night before I went to bed.

but I woke up this morning and found that Hamy is lying motionless and breathless.....

right now, the weather outside is just like my feelings inside ~ cloudy....

Both Hamy and Hamie are so harmless....friendliest I ever met... now, Hamy is gone.... I hope Hamie will stay strong....

I knew they have a stipulated life span, but I never expect it to leave me so soon. I was so looking forward waiting for them to have a family......

Even I knew every single living animals one day will leave us anytime and I've seen them come and go, but whenever they left me, I will let them go but deep inside my heart, it hurts so much that they have left me....

it has been told....

....finally..... finally it has been told for the first time.....


I don't know what makes me finally speak out.
I did planned to speak out soon but never expect that it will be so so soon.
I knew I will feel better once it has been told but courage and time is all I need because once it has been told, I will be facing alot of consequenses and definately no turning back once it has been told.

That is why, I keep on thinking and planning for the right time to say it and also to gather my courage to speak out but, there's a saying that I now find believe ...... "when time comes, it will tell".

So, finally it has been told now and no doubt I do feel lighter inside me after keeping it to myself for so long but is this the right thing? Is this the right start for my courage to speak out to more??

I really wish it would come to an end soon......

bake one or two?

.....hmmm...... *think*think*

...erm.... bake one or two??
nothing to do....oopss... no, no, it should be there's too many things I want to do but just don't know which one to do first...

okok.....I decided to bake cake then, but bake one or bake two???

I think....I'll bake two then *wink*

Cake of the day....
~ Japanese Cotton Cheesecake ~

B~frienders

Should I go for it?
Give a call or drop a mail?



I should start gathering all my courage soon to have everything put to end.
...but..but.... I'm just too scared.... just too scared to face whatever "ugly picture" that might appears....

Once it's revealed, there's neither rewind nor pause button for me to press.....
I do wish to put put it to an end but it's not easy as it is said.... no one will ever understand it as no one will ever know about it....

Befrienders....would this be a right choice then?
How confidential could that be?
How can it help me to face what I'm facing all this while?

But how I wish... how I wish....
I really hope there's miracle from HIM to show me the path that I never see before...