self anger

So much want to be alone all by myself now, staying awake and cry throughout the night. After that, I shall forget everything by dawn.

Am so angry of myself.... Angry of what I've just did and done.

Why do I always have to make the same mistakes?
Why do I always have to make myself live in misery?
Why I just can't learn to be happier with what I have now?
Why am I making myself like that?

I really don't understand myself. Is it because I don't know exactly what I want? Or is it because .... is it because I think too much? Life shouldn't be so complicated but why am I making myself living so much complication? I am grateful with what I have now then why I am still in such way?

One side of me tell me to be this, another side of me tell me to be that. I am so fully aware of everything but why oh why I still keep doing the same mistakes again and again?

Maybe I'm a troubled girl. A girl who is bad and cannot be forgiven. A girl who don't deserves happiness from someone and anyone. Most of all, a girl who really think too much..... at times, I so much wanted to have my memories been washed away so that I could be a new person to start a new life....