lonely? disappointment?

I should have gone back home to usher New Year & celebrate mum's Birthday today rather than being alone here....

Been looking forward to be together with someone on New Year but never happened and maybe someone never thought about it.

Been looking forward to welcome Christmas together with someone but never happened because I knew someone has to concentrate on something & get it done..... felt so empty on Christmas....

Been looking forward to celebrate someone's 1st birthday together but never got the chance to do so.....because someone never thought about it.

Felt things changed when we were just friends and now..... sometimes felt friends get to be closer and joyful than anyone else.... does this mean should have just remained as friends? This happened now & in the past.... is it common??

Sometimes felt so left out.... felt been treated differently..... felt always been misunderstood......

Wanted to do things together but been being patient and not wanted to disturb or asking for something because I knew someone need to concentrate on getting things done but when there's time, it is always friends that come first......

Am I not belong to someone I belong to now??

Am I a mistake for someone??

Am I not good enough for someone??

Am I a burden to someone??

Am I asking too much from someone when it is just a simple one for once in a while??

Am I not worth for someone??

Am I a shame for someone??

Is it because of who am I?

Is it because of my past that I can't never ask or wish for?

Who am I now??

don't seems good.....

It's new year.....

I've wished it will be a better year & a new beginning but I don't know why, today is just the second and I feel the same as in 2009.

I've wished that everything will be left behind in 2009 & let me move forward to 2010 but it has been following me to new year.....

Will it be better soon? Will it?

How come I have to go go through the same situation again and again?

Is it that I don't deserve to have a better one just because I've done mistake for once?

If this is a so called punishment, I rather leave everything and be all by myself....

So exhausted from feelings..... maybe I will be better if I don't have feelings....

.... 6 months

Time past so fast that exactly today, we've walk down the road together for half a year.

Am glad that we are able to walk together till this far and am definitely looking forward to continue walking down together the remaining road.
Only if you allow me to do so...
Only if you want me to do so...

3 months ago, I'm thinking about confirmation today but today I think the confirmation is not today. However, soon the confirmation day will come and I hope before and after the day comes, it will not bring any effect between us.

Although just a half year journey, I really appreciates every single thing done and been through together......we opened up, we talked, we shared, we understand..... most important, we acknowledge and we accept.....

learn....

- a cooling morning to cool things off -

I've forgotten how does it feels like after so many years until almost 6 months ago, I slowly felt all the wonderful feelings again as day goes by.

I've been thinking all the way to work and I come to realize the mistakes I'm doing right now and the mistakes I will make soon.

Maybe it is true, maybe it is right.
I have think too far, I have think too much.
I should not do so, I should not.

Perhaps I'm too anxious and at the same time I'm too excited to look forward and move on which makes me tend to forget my 'ground' at times.

I realized now and I should learn to fully open up to accept & live with what I have now.
I should learn how to overcome my so many thoughts.
I should learn to live in reality....
Future is too abstract to live for, reality is what I should live and appreciate most. However, a plan is still a must in reality in order to move on to future.

self anger

So much want to be alone all by myself now, staying awake and cry throughout the night. After that, I shall forget everything by dawn.

Am so angry of myself.... Angry of what I've just did and done.

Why do I always have to make the same mistakes?
Why do I always have to make myself live in misery?
Why I just can't learn to be happier with what I have now?
Why am I making myself like that?

I really don't understand myself. Is it because I don't know exactly what I want? Or is it because .... is it because I think too much? Life shouldn't be so complicated but why am I making myself living so much complication? I am grateful with what I have now then why I am still in such way?

One side of me tell me to be this, another side of me tell me to be that. I am so fully aware of everything but why oh why I still keep doing the same mistakes again and again?

Maybe I'm a troubled girl. A girl who is bad and cannot be forgiven. A girl who don't deserves happiness from someone and anyone. Most of all, a girl who really think too much..... at times, I so much wanted to have my memories been washed away so that I could be a new person to start a new life....

09-09-09

I believe that people from around the globe find this date special.... 09 September '09. Myself find it special in a way too as it only happens once in our lifetime; 09-09-09.

However, someone told me that 09-09-09 is just another one of the special days in our life. I have do agree with this because every single seconds, minutes, hours & days in our life is special.

Special or not is depends on how a person sees it as every single thing is a creation.

feeling SWEET

What a good start for today. Wish it will be a good start throughout the week. It will be great if it can be for as long as it can be.

Feel so sweet to flash back the sweet memories together. The warmth and closeness makes me feel as if it just happened sometime..... yesterday.

As we flash back our memories, we tend to blush and chuckle of what we have gone through together; joy and laughter, sorrow and tears, moments and celebrations..... So much memories we have in such a period of time.

Really looking forward for more Sweet Memories to come. I believe we are able to make it come true and that we will make it come true.

Sweet Memories will remain fresh in our memories although many are yet to come.

Am missing someone and we will be able to make it through this.

indescribable...

The day almost ended yet I'm still feeling the same way. In such a way which I don't know exactly how to describe it. All I know is, I've been feeling such a way since I woke up this morning.

Mentioning about waking up this morning actually reminds me how restless am I last night. I went to bed well quite early compared to any other nights that I could remember but I just don't know why I keep on waking up for no reason... So restless. Just don't know why.

Back to today.... till now, all I could describe what I felt like today is.... a day with not much conversation; not much emotion; felt like keeping everything to myself; felt of wanting to be alone; just want to isolate myself out from everyone....

This doesn't mean that I am moody.... However, I still manage to get my works done today after 2 days called in sick.

I really couldn't find the right description to describe today-myself.

Maybe this is the actual me. I'm back to myself again.... Quite, empty, emotionless, keeping to myself, and pretend that I'm alright with everything.

is it common?

I do feel better than day 1. Good thing is fever gone but I still have to continue on medication.

Was hoping so much to feel painless but it seems that I have to rely on the pain killer in order to breath in easily without pain.

Doctor said it is common but I don't think so. I did nothing like what he said and this is the first time I feel such a way. So, I don't think it is common.

At the moment, I really have to rely on the medicine in order to breathe in without pain but for how long? When will I recover from it? How? Obviously pain killer is not a cure, by its name, it is just taking away the pain so that I can breath better.

Hmmm.... What is really wrong with me?

Felt the same fear again....

Fingers crossed, always~